It was P.T. Barnum who said, “There’s a sucker born every minute.” Lately I’ve been throwing off the curve, because I’m just a sucker every minute.
When I see a Hummer H2 climbing over a mountain on my television screen, I want to drive that H2. Now. While eating a Grilled Stuft Burrito and screaming, “Can you hear me now?” into my cell phone. Is that bad?
Is it bad that I stand in the shampoo aisle and buy Suave for Men solely because their commercials challenge my manhood (“You’re not a woman, don’t use a woman’s shampoo.”)? Or that when I empty my beer glass at a bar I tell my friends, “I can’t taste my beer!” just like that stupid-funny Miller Lite commercial?
We’re coming up on the shiniest jewel in the advertising crown, the Super Bowl, and it suddenly struck me today how many of those commercials will be targeted directly at me. I’m young, I’m impressionable and I watch too much television.
And most of all, I have an odd, sick craving for name-brand products. Given a choice between generic detergent and Tide at the grocery store, I’ll take the Tide 18 times out of 19. Maybe it goes back to high school when I never wore North Face and my generic fleece just didn’t cut it. Now I’m making up for it. I’m cool, really! I buy Cheerios instead of the generic O’s! I’m hip!
Of course, this is exactly what Weiden+Kennedy want me to think. The Portland-based advertising agency, which creates campaigns for Miller Lite, Nike and ESPN, is the master of subliminal advertising. Instead of just telling me Nike is cool, Weiden+Kennedy, over the years, have made me feel like Nike is my life. Like wearing Adidas is a lifestyle choice along the lines of becoming a transvestite: No way would I want to take such a drastic step.
They get into your head. Advertising is everywhere. That Coke being sipped by your favorite actor is a product placement.
And don’t even get me started on pre-movie advertising. Seriously, I don’t want your Bod. You know the day is coming when “Harry Potter XIV: Retirement Home Magic” is interrupted for commercial breaks. By then, movies will cost $35 and your ticket will come with 18 different popcorn discount coupons.
The thing I hate the most about living on Planet Advertising is that I can’t do a single thing about it. We could revert to communism, but that’s as drastic as wearing Adidas. We could stop patronizing the big advertisers, but then we wouldn’t be able to eat or have clothes to wear. So that’s out.
Until we can figure out a way to stop advertising, I’ll just keep drinking my Michelob Ultra. It has low carbohydrates, and I’m trying to watch my figure. Can you hear me on that?
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