There’s really nothing more entertaining than a barrel of monkeys. Unless it’s an epidemic of man-hating, thirst-riddled simians warring their way through the Sudanese countryside. That’s precisely what’s happening, and its consequences warrant serious consideration about the primates that are terrorizing the lands of afar — and near.
The Oregonian publishes a science section every Wednesday, which includes a round-up of interesting story capsules from the world around us, distributed by media conglomerate Los Angeles Times Syndicate. And not once, but twice, did they list stories involving the murderous activities of monkeys of unspecified species, though the paper did point out that orangutans are notorious for their antisocial behavior.
In both instances, the usually friendly fellows apparently were motivated by a severe drought, pitting man against monkey. In the first instance, a farmer watering his crops was stoned to death by a group of the thirsty creatures. The second case was a literal war for water with the monkeys taking charge in the beginning before being overmatched and turned back by the heroic, if not industrialized, Sudanese people.
What does this say about us as people? It says that while we all believe we’re impervious to the dormant, war-like nature of lower species, we can all be the subject of gruesome monkey hate at any time.
With all of this primate violence in foreign lands it makes one wonder just what American monkeys are like. If not kept in dingy isolation in our finest zoos, they would probably run rampant and try to take over our country through bloody revolution. Anyone who’s attended a circus knows that a monkey war would be devastating because three or four of them can fit on a child’s tricycle, and there’s just no stopping them. And never turn your back on a monkey with a gun. When they say it’s so simple a trained monkey could do it, believe them.
With all this heightened awareness of the gorillas in our midst, it’s only a matter of time before Fox Television airs its serious look at “When Monkeys Attack.” There will be plenty of violent scenes of innocent children poking a sleeping simian with a stick and receiving an undeserved bite from the vicious creature.
As the conscientious producers of the television show will tell you, don’t think that you are immune from monkey attacks. But should you ever be approached by a shady primate, just remember to utter the immortal words of Charlton Heston.
“Take your stinkin’ paws off me, you damn dirty ape.”