Welcome to college, freshman.
“Hello,” if you will.
See, you may be part of the biggest class ever to pollute this campus, but that doesn’t mean much.
You’re a freshman.
Years back, upperclassmen used to beat you senseless. It was spectacle, really.
Back in May 1928, the student council announced it would reinstate the “hello” tradition which would, among other things, require freshmen to wear green caps as part of an initiation to the University. Furthermore, if you frosh didn’t wear you’re cute little caps, you’d be paddled on the library steps “under the auspices of the Order of the ‘O.’”
And in case you hadn’t heard, the tradition has reared its beautiful head once again.
In a meeting last week, ASUO voted to institute a new policy much like that of yesteryear, with a few minor changes.
Forget the silly little hats — we could care less. All freshmen now are required to hum the fight song while on campus. That means when you’re looking for your 8 a.m. bio class in Columbia 150, the sweet, sweet tune of “Mighty Oregon” better ring loud and clear.
Think we’re joking? After serious discussion, ASUO decided that flogging was not severe enough. If you don’t follow our little golden rule, you’ll be forced to attend — and root for — Idaho in each and every game.
Yes, Idaho has already played Oregon and yes, they lost. No matter. You’ll soon learn your lesson as you will attend every game in Vandal black and gold, and scream — in unison — “I-da-ho.”
Oh, and another thing. About these games. We need to have a little talk.
See, the student tickets that the University provides — they’re not for you. Those tickets are given to fans and that, friend, you are not.
Fans remember triple overtime against USC. Fans remember double overtime against Arizona State. Fans remember the old uniforms, may they rest in peace.
Now, frosh, you’ve got to bear the learning curve.
To be considered for admittance to Duck games, not only must you hum your little heart out, but you also need to know the words to the song. You must paint your face. You must be able to scream, “Stick it in! Stick it in! Ooh!” with a straight face.
You must learn how to be crass to the opposing team. How to be rude to their fans. You must learn Autzen Stadium. Learn to live without your voice, for it will be gone if you are a true fan.
That, frosh, is how to fit the mold in “Title Town USA.”
And whatever anyone tells you about student tickets, believe them not — for I have given you the facts of football and, moreover, the honest-to-God truth.
“Under the auspices of the Order of the ‘O.’”