I am not what you would call the proverbial nice girl. Sure, I will smile at you on the street. If you are trailing behind me I will probably hold the door for you. I am even likely to throw some spare change into your expired parking meter. Still, I’m not someone you would take home to mother.
Why? Well, apparently I’m very intimidating. I wish I could say that this surprises me, but it doesn’t. I have always taken refuge in the identity of the problematic bad girl. I was that kid who got caught smoking pot behind the bleachers. I was that pre-teen who got expelled from middle school for bullying. I was that blossoming teenager who spent the night in jail for drunkenly mouthing off to an officer.
Today, although I have succumbed to better behavior, I am still often described as intimidating. I believe this to be a reason, among others, why I do not often date. I tend to see college-aged men gravitate towards the more docile, acquiescent females, the kind of girls who are agreeable and easier to approach.
This is quite the contradiction in our hormonally fueled college culture. While guys tend to shy away from the über-confident female, we can’t seem to get enough of those confident (and often cocky) guys. Despite our constant struggle for gender equality and conscious parity, we still relegate ourselves to seeking out the bad guys. We find them to be sexy and intriguing, maybe even a bit dangerous. It doesn’t matter to us how very self-indulgent they are in reality or how greedy they are in bed – confidence is sexy.
Sure, we know they are bad for us. We are usually even aware that one day they will probably hurt us. Still, we willingly reject the nicer, more grounded guys in search of something more exciting and stimulating. Then, as this excitement morphs into pain and drama, we begin to realize that our prospective other is, in actuality, a mean guy, and we cry and curse the entire gender.
It’s a prevalent condition. In such a sensationalistic culture, we are simply more comfortable warming up to the bad boy because the real values of a gentleman are fairly elusive to us. At the expense of our own happiness, we learn to identify security with monotony, courtesy with sappiness, and safety with boredom.
Personally, I think it’s an issue of self-esteem. We see ourselves in the eyes of the opposite sex; it’s difficult to feel sexy unless there is a man to reaffirm this. It is no surprise then that snagging someone who doesn’t seem to care much for us, or in general, would generate a spike in our self-confidence. Coupled with that is the feeling of satisfaction we aim for in attempting to reach out and “sensitize” these men, as though we are capable of changing them.
Male egoist, it’s not your fault. You’re simply a product of conditioning. You are aware that girls tend to fall for jerks, and your discourtesy is often rewarded. You have an incentive to be troublesome; it’s worked for you thus far. One could even argue that being mean is a useful strategy for acquiring female adoration. However, you should note that as women get older, we tend to wise up. One day soon, your coy tendencies will go unrewarded and your more considerate brethren will trump you in the food chain.
As for as the genuinely nice guys who exist among us, they know they are being screwed over; they are just unwilling to conform to this promoted behavior. After all, what is a guy to do when it appears that the only means of drawing in a potential mate requires a façade of brute self-importance?
Yes, many of us dig the bad boys. Yes, we like a good challenge. But the attention we receive is only so gratifying. In the end, not only are we are missing out on the opportunity to be with genuinely good people, we are glorifying male narcissism and denigrating our own right to respect and consideration.
Ladies, allow me to propose a real challenge: Foster some solidarity and stop pursuing these fools. They are detrimental to females and nice guys everywhere. While we cannot control whom we are innately attracted to, we are capable of controlling our actions. If you are frustrated with the cat-and-mouse game so often employed in your interactions with the opposite sex, then give these guys a reason to change. Otherwise, stop acting surprised every time you encounter one of them.
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