Notify the Bias Response Team – I’m about to go on a rant about babies. Well, actually, more of a rant about how having babies will ruin your career.
You see, I have a theory that when a woman in show business decides to get pregnant, she’s just setting herself up to never be successful again. It’s the sad, sad truth, folks.
And before you go and get all angry at me and tell me that Madonna’s still successful after having kids, take note of the following examples. You’ll realize that Madonna is a rare exception to the rule.
Example #1: Britney Spears. Poor Britney is the primary example of career-ruining childbirth in my book. I love Britney to death (I’m more obsessed than I’m willing to admit), and I think her kids are adorable, but I totally, wholeheartedly blame Jayden James and Sean Preston for ruining Mommy’s career. She was doing great and making boatloads of money before she decided she wanted to start a family with grade-A father Kevin Federline. Then the kids come along and what happens? She goes bat-shit crazy. Sure, there are plenty of factors that could have contributed to her mental issues lately, but I’m going to stick with blaming the children. Honestly, there was a point where I was hoping Britney wouldn’t get custody of her kids back so she could focus on her career again. Yeah. That’s how selfish I am. I’m hoping Brit can stage a comeback toward the end of the year like the rumors are saying, so she can prove me wrong.
Example #2: Julia Roberts. What the hell has she done since having her horribly-named kids? “Charlie Wilson’s War”? That doesn’t count. She’s done voice work for “Charlotte’s Web” and “The Ant Bully,” but those don’t count either because no one cares really cares about voice actors. She has a whole family to worry about now, so the chances of regaining her full-blown superstardom are incredibly low. She’ll probably have to wait until her kids are grown up and in high school or college to be successful again (á la Demi Moore).
Example #3: Katie Holmes. To be fair, Katie Holmes wasn’t exactly on-track to be a huge star to begin with, but she had “Batman Begins” freshly under her belt in 2005 when she started dating Tom Cruise and subsequently had his alien baby. Now she’s been replaced by Maggie Gyllenhaal, who’s destined for much more success, in the film’s sequel. I’m telling you: Suri Cruise has ruined Katie’s life, and now she’ll have to be satisfied with mediocre jobs in movies like “Mad Money” and guest-starring stints on TV shows. It’s unfortunate – I really liked Katie Holmes. Then again, I guess if I married a super-rich guy like Tom Cruise, I’d be willing to sacrifice my career. Then I could pay someone to take care of the baby while I relaxed and spent all the money in the world.
Hollywood is in a supposed “baby boom” right now, and I hate to think what that means for our star system. But I know one thing for sure: Jessica Alba doesn’t stand a chance. She could have been a star, but she had to go and get herself knocked up. What kind of business plan is that?
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