Did you know the most humane way to kill a sick goldfish is to put it in a freezer baggie and slap it against a wall? That the Raleigh Record bicycle of 1968 was offered in both Competition Blue and Bronze Green? That training a cat to use the toilet rather than its litter box is easy, safe and natural?
If you didn’t spout a triumphant “yes” to at least two of these
questions, you’re obviously not an Internet junkie.
For most people, the Internet is
a tool to be used for research,
communication and downloading grainy porn. These casual Internet users probably have jobs, friends, families or other responsibilities they deem important. These people are really missing out.
My life on the Web began when I was a pimply junior high schooler, and I have only become more
obsessed since. Once online, I
chatted with friends from exotic places such as Illinois and Texas. I made shaky animated pictures and posted them on my Web site. If I didn’t have anything else to do, I surfed and surfed. I sent e-mail messages and waited anxiously for replies. The Internet gave me the
social high I didn’t get at school, and it had the added bonus of
raising my intelligence level. Oh, and I also occasionally used it for a school assignment.
If I had to guess, I’d say the
most powerful Internet tools for
individuals are search engines. Type in any word or combination
of words, hit enter, eat another handful of Fiddle Faddle, and the
information will be at your
fingertips. No physical activity
necessary. You can even find
reliable sources for that term paper that was due 15 minutes ago. (Bonus quiz: How many erotic
images are returned when one types “peanut butter” into the Google
Images search bar?)
Less Internet-savvy folks may ask why anyone would want a personal Web page. The blatant answer:
because they can. There are
hundreds of services clamoring to get users’ personal information
in exchange for a few measly megabytes of Web space. Most
companies have programs that don’t require the user to actually know anything about how a Web page works. Now everyone can
display blurry frat party pictures and bad poetry to the world, all from the comfort of his or her
underpants. The new trend of
writing Web logs, more irritatingly known as blogs, allows the same pajama-clad individuals to share profound thoughts and deep, mushy feelings without coding a single line.
Alas, having advanced into a pimply college student, I’ve mostly outgrown the use of chat programs such as ICQ and AOL Instant
Messenger. I still have a Web
site, and I still use e-mail, albeit mostly to talk with my mom. My obsession with the World Wide Web has branched into a full-out
computer fetish, helping me
with everyday digital dealings
and securing a few employment
opportunities. (Did you know
when using a CRT monitor, the user is immersed in a constantly
fluctuating electro-magnetic field?)
Don’t start thinking I’ve
gone soft, though. I assure you, nothing turns me on more than a
relaxing browse through the vast basement-like directories of eBay. When my stress level goes up, the fastest way to bring it down isn’t a cool glass of Pinot Noir or a sensual massage. It’s reading about Joe
and Jenny Blow from Anyplace, Kansas, and their three prize-winning Dobermans and their purple 1971 Dodge Dart, all displayed in the glory of Jenny’s free Yahoo! Geocities Web page. (Did you
know that a 2002 Chevy Trailblazer can be filled with 39,096 76
Styrofoam antenna balls?)
Still not convinced of the
mind-numbing bounty of knowledge and pleasure the Internet has to
offer? All right. If you don’t want to meet mysterious new buddies,
expand your mind and aid in the
ongoing search for the ultimate free pornography Web site, you can go back to your movie theaters, bars, parties and dates. I’ll take care of your goldfish.

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