Four hours and twelve minutes, 408 pitches, 23 runs, 27 hits, 2 errors, 15 strikeouts and 19 walks. No, that’s not my last visit to a singles bar — it’s this season’s opening day baseball game between Toronto and Boston, a 12-11 exercise in tedium.
Another baseball season is here, and the sport is in trouble. I don’t mean labor relations, contraction, competitive balance or any of that stuff — I mean the game itself. Like Bernie Mac’s niece, the game of baseball is boring. Dull. Dull as a rock. The games take too long, there are too many home runs, and there isn’t enough action on the base paths. The NBA’s slogan was “I love this game!” Major League Baseball’s slogan should be “This game needs help!” I have a few suggestions to offer. Baseball is pretty messed up, but it’s nothing that couldn’t be fixed with shotguns, nudity and horses.
There are too many home runs in today’s games. Home runs used to be exciting, but they just don’t mean much anymore. Before 1998, only two players had ever hit 60 home runs in a season; since then, it’s been done six times, and according to stats available at the Major League Baseball’s official Web site, overall home runs have increased approximately 1.3 gazillion percent since 1995. Utilizing a Designated Skeet Shooter (DSS) would make home runs meaningful again. The DSS is a fourth outfielder, but instead of a glove, he carries a shotgun. His job is to shoot at fly balls that he thinks are going for home runs. Any ball he hits becomes a ground-rule double. To ensure that the DSS is careful where he aims his weapon, his team will forfeit the game if he accidentally or intentionally shoots a league official, umpire, member of the opposing team or fan (except on souvenir flak jacket night). Unless he shoots Bud Selig, his team automatically wins the game.
Baseball needs to do something to encourage better fielding. Just when you think an inning is going to end, some player makes an error and the game drags on and on. Numerous scientific studies have shown that the best way to get peak performance out of anyone is public humiliation. While it’s already embarrassing for a shortstop when he sees “E-6” flash on the scoreboard after he makes an error, clearly it’s just not embarrassing enough to prevent mistakes. Better fielding can be ensured by borrowing from that other great American pastime: strip poker. Under Strip Fielding rules, any time a fielder makes an error, he would have to remove one item of clothing and play subsequent games that way. After having to play in front of 30,000 fans in nothing but spikes, a glove and cap (so we can tell which team they’re on), I think fielders would tend to concentrate a little more next time.
Some people think baserunning is the most exciting part of the game, but really, what’s the big deal about some guy running around the sides of a square? Baseball players usually aren’t in such great shape, so half the time it’s some slow, fat guy doing the running. Not only that, there are also double plays to worry about. Just when something interesting starts happening, two guys get out, and the inning is over. How boring. Now, the chariot race in the movie Ben Hur, that was actually exciting. Baseball needs that kind of action. Baserunners should be able to use chariots. Then they’d be able to get around the bases a lot faster, and if the chariots were the kind with swords sticking out of the wheels, I bet that would really reduce the number of double plays.
Baseball used to be a beautiful game, America’s pastime, a microcosm of everything that’s good about this country. It can be that way again, if only Major League Baseball will follow my suggestions. One can only hope.