*Disclaimer: All quotes and facts in this article are completely satirical and fake, in light of April Fools Day.*
For the 2024-2025 school year, University of Oregon boasted a near perfect admittance rate, and despite the good that this has done to the price of student tuition and faculty salaries, the residence halls are bursting at the seams. On average, four students occupy a standard double room, and freshmen with below a 2.0 GPA are forced to sleep in the laundry rooms. Something needs to change.
After careful consideration, both University Housing and I have discovered the one solution for this problem: students living on campus, it’s time to bring your own bed (BYOB) to supply the dorms.
The BYOB policy, introduced in early March, mandates that all students living on-campus must supply their own bed frames and mattresses, at their own expense of course, but that these beds can be of any “reasonable size” that the student wishes. Faced with the uptick in dorm overcrowding, UO knew that its solution would be based on student-initiative and present no additional costs for the university, making BYOB the perfect answer.
Tim Dork, a first-year student studying Pre-Business Administration, is pleased with the policy’s prioritization of students and their diverse bed needs.
“At first, I felt a little silly ordering a king-sized mattress for my Earl Hall double,” Dork said. “But I quickly realized it was the right choice. I sleep like a baby through my 8 a.m., and when the crumbs in my bed get too itchy, I just move to the other side. BYOB is great.”
Dork’s roommate, Theo Peeved, didn’t share his excitement.
“Tim sleeps pretty soundly, but his king bed is cramping my style. I respect student bed choice and all, but I’m sleeping against our door and had to replace my desk and chair with a toddler tea set and Squatty Potty. It doesn’t seem super fair, y’know?” Peeved said.
Administration praised BYOB for consolidating residents, allowing them the housing capacity to finally close Unthank Hall for much-needed renovations.
One administrator might have said, “It’s been a great change overall. Not only are we done providing actual accommodations, but we also are able to put that funding towards exactly what this community has been asking for: bigger, newer and even more badly-built residence halls.”
If we let students choose their major, dorm hall, meal plan and roommate, why would we not give them the freedom to select what beds they sleep on? BYOB corrected this hypocrisy, protecting students’ God-given right of bed choice.
Critics of BYOB point to the sudden rise of cracks in dorm ceilings, but at the end of the day, this is a small price to pay to keep our dorms spacious, as well as our freedom. And when housing contracts now include waivers in case residents’ beds fall through the ceiling — which has occurred in a total of 420,000 dorm rooms — this risk is expertly minimized.
As a Duck living on campus, it is your civic duty to bring your own bed. In the wise words of Dork, “Don’t be a punk, bring your own bunk.”
