I think that I’ve finally digested that last bit of Tofurkey from Thanksgiving. This can only mean one thing: The holidays are upon us.
Time for Christmas carols, reindeer, Hanukkah menorahs and lots of fruitcake. Whoop-de-do, eh?
I’m kind of in a grinchy mood today, so you know what? This isn’t going to be my normal, happy-go-lucky humorous music column. Oh no. I don’t care if “America needs to laugh.” I think that I’m going to try and fill this space with as much bad news as I can. Are you ready?
First off, Nickelback sucks. They suck bad. Just what we needed — another hard rock band showing their sensitive side on a bland slab of riff rock. I am of course speaking of their single, the deplorable “How You Remind Me.” Have you seen the video for this chunk of garbage? Their lead singer looks like the offspring of Ted Nugent and Dave Mustaine. Not pleasant.
The artist currently known as Prince just released his new album, “The Rainbow Children.” This new Prince album, normally a cause for celebration for this humble writer, is instead a horrible disappointment: It’s a “concept album” dealing with the newly religious beliefs of The Purple One. Good vs. evil. God vs. the Devil. Me vs. puking. When I listen to Prince, I want “Pussy Control!” I want “Erotic City!” I don’t want a song about how holy and righteous Prince is.

Eager fans of gangsta-rap pioneers N.W.A. will be disappointed to find out that their long-promised reunion album, which supposedly was going to be released sometime in the near future, has been pushed back indefinitely. Why? Those slackers haven’t recorded anything yet! Rapmeister Ice Cube explains that the delay is because group members are busy with movies and solo projects, but seriously. Those guys must smoke so much weed, I swear, I bet they’re not even getting out of bed more than twice a week.
Speaking of reunions, do you love La Bouche? Are you drooling over the prospect of a reunion of the mid-1990s dance duo? If yes, you’d best be mopping up the puddles on your floor, because there ain’t gonna be one. Singer Melanie Thornton died in a Swiss plane crash this last weekend. Tragically, Thornton was just launching a new solo album and was traveling to Zurich to promote it.
What other bad news is there? Pearl Jam‘s long-promised B-sides album didn’t come out this season as promised. The Spice Girls are planning to reunite for a reunion tour. The top two spots on the Billboard album charts are held by Garth Brooks and Britney Spears. John Lennon is still dead. And although this doesn’t technically have anything to do with music, it has a lot to do with my mood: The weather blows.
If there’s any bright spot to this misery, it is the fact that what four out of five dentists call the “best rock band in Eugene,” Wallace, is playing a free show tonight at the Buzz Coffeehouse. The experience starts at 9 p.m. Happy holidays, everybody!