A Baka is: a jerk, idiot or moron. You get the idea. We here at CaptainSensibleCo., in our tireless search to reward the idiots of the world — without whom I’d be more or less out of work — have devised a series of awards to recognize new highs or lows in the field of incompetence or just plain idiocy.
The “Pass the S’mores and World Revolution” award goes to the supporters of the Worker Rights Consortium here at the University, for their ceaseless efforts in futility. In February 2000, less than 10 percent of the student body cared to vote in the ASUO general elections. Among the issues voted on was the University’s membership in the WRC, a nebulous group that supposedly was to aid in ending sweatshop labor. The measure passed, but not by any stunning mandate from the general campus population.
University President Dave Frohnmayer put the measure through all the usual legal hoops before signing. It wasn’t fast enough for those looking for “campus democracy” (read: rule by a self-righteous and small-minded elite). In March, about a hundred of these baka camped out on the Johnson Hall lawn, demanding that Frohnmayer sign the paper immediately. He did sign, eventually, and then both the University’s legal counsel and the assistant attorney general brought to his attention that the organization had serious liability problems that could expose the University to lawsuits. So, the baka are now painting the University as a dictatorship, and knowing these folks’ track record, we could be looking at another riot.
Sorry, chums, if it’s a choice between ridding the world of sweatshops (a laudable and necessary goal) or having to raise my already obscene “because-I’m-from-California” tuition because of needless legal settlements, it’s no contest. For your insistence on rule by chaos because you don’t get your way, your award is a bronze diaper. Wear it in good health.
The “Please, Tell Us Andy Warhol Was Right” award this year goes to Marshall Mathers, known far and wide by his nom de merde, “Eminem.” As if anyone needed another piece of evidence that the GRAMMYs are based on record sales and not on the quality of the work, I present Exhibit A.
Mathers’ rap has all the charm and beauty of serial killer Richard Ramirez. His music has offended women’s groups, gay rights groups and even his own mother, for good reason. Eminem’s body of work is an unrelenting litany of drugs, rape and murder. For this new low in “popular” music, Eminem has earned this award, a 15-minute stopwatch. Marshall, seek professional help. Now. And, by the way, the good old envelope-pushing bands like the Germs or the Sex Pistols would wipe the floor with your pasty, white, gold-encrusted butt.
Finally, there is the “Baka of the Year” award, a prestigious papier-mâché statuette depicting the beloved ventriloquist Edgar Bergen’s dummy Mortimer Snerd. This was a toughie. Between Janet “Rambo” Reno, who sent in half the U.S. Army to retrieve Elián Gonzalez; Major League Baseball players, who saw one of their own catch a $250 million contract and are still talking about striking because they’re “underpaid”; and Jerry “I’m Right ‘Cause God Says So” Falwell, just for being him, there was a smorgasbord of idiots to choose from. Still, I hope nobody will quibble when the “Baka of the Year” goes to … The envelope, please … The entire state of Florida.
If we saw history, I could do without it. We would have had a president (either Al Gore or George Bush — gee, what choices this year) on election night like normal countries had people realized that a large arrow is the internationally recognized sign for “punch here, not in Buchanan’s hole, moron.” Had Jeb Bush kept his mouth shut and not promised the state to his brother, perhaps DemocRATS (whoops, subliminal message there)
wouldn’t have thought up outlandish and moronic conspiracy theories. Had Republican protesters not held court outside one of the re-counts, there wouldn’t have been the whole “well, it must have been intimidation by those evil Republicans” thing when the re-counters called it a day.
Florida, you did the impossible: You made a Yugoslavian election look good compared to ours. Congratulations. And if I hear one more thing about dimpled, pregnant, hanging or eaten chads …