This column is guaranteed to make you laugh, or we’ll give you your money back.
Where is sports advertising going? If you were lucky enough, you read an advertisement in last Thursday’s Oregonian for that city’s WNBA team, the Portland Fire.
The ad proclaims a Fire game is: “A blast! Guaranteed.” The word “guaranteed” had an asterisk, so naturally you read the fine print.
“If you are not enjoying your game experience, bring your ticket stub to the Rose Quarter ticket office immediately following the game and we will gladly exchange your ticket for another one of equal or greater value to the game of your choice, while supplies last.”
If only this revolutionary idea could be applied to other sports. Fans of the Oregon softball team would flock to the ticket office, because there was nary an exciting game to be found this spring. Those who attended the chilly Oregon Preview track and field meet March 17 would finally get their dues for sitting in sub-50 degree temperatures for four hours, watching a not-very-exciting meet.
But Oregon sports aren’t the only ones that could use money-back guarantees.
We could finally get cash back for watching Anna Kournikova on a cold day, for seeing the Lakers demolish another opponent or for attending a mid-season matchup between the Montreal Expos and the Tampa Bay Devil Rays.
No longer would we pay for attending a golf tournament without Tiger Woods. You would get a free ticket if you mistakenly blundered into a Major League Soccer game between the Kansas City Wizards and the Columbus Crew. A John Rocker outburst after an Atlanta baseball game would be worth two free tickets.
If only there were guarantees on yacht races, cycling and figure skating. Minor league basketball, power boating and professional water-skiing would all provide opportunities for cash back.
But don’t you really wish you could get time back for watching worthless sporting events on television?
You could get two hours back for that Saturday morning you were hung over and watched pro bass fishing. You could get infinite hours for the times you’ve accidentally landed on a NASCAR race, wondered if it was cool and then changed the channel when you finally realized what was going on.
The Cardinals-Reds game on ESPN Sunday night? Two hours. The final quarter of 76ers-Bucks, game seven? Half an hour. The final eight rounds of the NFL draft? Twenty-four hours.
All that time, back in your pocket, to watch worthwhile sporting events! Go ahead, watch game six of the Stanley Cup playoffs. Go hog wild and sit down for a Mariners game as Alex Rodriguez and the Texas Rangers enter the unfriendly confines of Safeco Field.
Best of all, go see a Fire game. That is the only sporting event, of course, where you can actually get your money back. For now.