Dear freshmen,
Welcome to the wonderful world of college! If you’re anything like me, then you may be encountering some very new concepts. These include total (or near total) freedom; the ease of finding booze, sex, drugs, and rock n’ roll. Increased needs for self-reliance and self-motivation. The discovery and surprise of your profound laziness and previously ignored inner-child through the ease of finding booze, sex, drugs, and rock n’ roll, and of course the delicate balance of simultaneously having increased responsibility and absolutely no responsibility. But here’s the deal: It’s far too easy to blow your wad too quickly, and BOOM! Before you know it, your college career is down the drains after six months! Me and just about everyone on campus has a friend that couldn’t cut it, and had to drop out. So here’s some advice from someone who kicked ass academically his first two years, discovered a social life his third, went through a devastating breakup, became an alcoholic, nearly flunked out his fourth year, and had to come back for a fifth because he screwed up so badly, but appears to be making a triumphant return.
1. The Freshman Fifteen is a very real threat.
Don’t blow this off because you ran the 400 m in high school, and you’ve always been in great shape. College does something to your body that no one can seem to explain. You just get fatter. There’s all this food around, and they give you, like, infinity meal points per week. If all you want to eat is popcorn chicken and Yoo-hoo, be warned: You will feel the wrath of your new 8,000-calorie diet. I gained roughly 30 pounds my freshman year because I pursued said diet and had a long-term girlfriend that truly didn’t care that I was a blubbery whale turd. Use the rec center to its full advantage! You can do literally any type of exercise you want there, and its only existence is to help you be healthier.
2. Popularity points are recalibrated
You might’ve been dope driving that ’99 Mustang convertible to high school every day, but those days are over. Now, you’re only as cool as your living situation. This is the truest thing I’ve ever learned about college. I’ve gone to hundreds of parties – many to homes of people I can’t stand. But if you’ve got a cool pad, people will show up and hang out, regardless of how much they hate you. I realize many of you are living in the dorms, but take advantage of whatever space you have, and make it the pad of choice in your residence hall. My interior decorations have been pretty bare and lifeless in previous years, but this year my room has improved 100-fold. When the street faire arrives, take advantage of the posters and tapestry stands for optimal results. I’ve lived in terrible situations, lonely situations, and completely rocking situations – like my current one. I officially have the coolest house in Eugene, with two ultra-cool roommates. That reminds me, if you’re not digging the living situation with your roommate, better to switch rooms if you can ASAP, then letting it drag out to the end of the year, and hating said person more than you thought imaginable.
3. Guys are hornier than they’ve ever been
Sorry ladies, but it’s disgusting and true. I have little more to say on the subject except that it can’t be helped. We’re sorry that we’re pigs, and we hope you forgive us and understand. And ladies, I know you must have heard it a million times, but never, EVER accept a drink that you didn’t see get poured. It is a real issue that really happens to a lot of women, even here within the liberal-dominated, pro-feminist culture of the University.
4. Bikes or skateboards are the way to go
Cars and sober rides will always be available, as will the Drunk Driving Service. Bikes are probably the best way to get around Eugene, whatever the rhyme or reason, despite the fact that bike theft is the city’s number one crime. My only beef with skateboards is that they eventually take up an exuberant amount of much-needed floor space in classrooms, and can’t be locked up. Bikes are faster, can be loaned to anyone except my roommate (who didn’t learn to ride a bike until last year), and are the most logical form of transportation in Eugene – especially on party nights. After all, a party out on 17th and Mill can mean a long stumble home to the dorms.
5. Get used to PBR
Just get used to it, because it might be all you’ll get for the next four years. You’ll learn to love it if you don’t already. That’s all.
So there you have it, kiddies. These are just some of the essentials you might need in case you’re having trouble transitioning to college life. My final piece of advice is one my older brother gave me: “It’s not harder; it’s just more.” Although he literally meant in terms of homework, it’s a phrase that can totally describe the entire college experience. Whatever “it” is, “it” just takes more effort and time to get “it” right.
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