Editor’s note: This is a satirical article published as part of the Emerald’s “Shallot” series.
A dramatic decrease in the amount of parties around the University campus in the wake of the clash between University students and police is leaving a considerable dent in the local economy and a shift in the University party culture.
Since the September 25 riot, the number of upperclassmen throwing and attending parties is at a standstill, while the amount of freshman roaming around looking for parties to go to is at an all time high.
Polls show that nearly 96% of the freshman population spends six days of the week looking for house parties.
“It’s hard to find parties anywhere,” said freshman Alex Barns, “but we’re always looking. We’re pretty much on a party pilgrimage.”
Barns said the freshman travel in groups of 40-50 most nights, going door-to-door and inquiring about “anything cool going on.”
In past weeks, the groups have found no parties or places to hang out; Barns said that they stop around 4 a.m. every morning if they haven’t found anything, go back to their dorms and sleep for awhile, then start the search over at noon.
“I guess they just wore us out,” said junior Kyle Larson, member of fraternity Alpha Beta Kappa. “The riot kind of ignited the freshman and now all they want to do is party. We’re all kind of over it.”
Juniors and seniors living off campus are choosing more and more to just go to classes during the week and stay at home most weekends. “We’ll just sit around and watch movies, get on Facebook, maybe go out to dinner,” said senior Lara Simmons, president of Delta Pie. “Nothing really later than seven, though.”
The change in the age group wanting to party has cause a problem for local businesses, as well. Before, upperclassman would rely on neighborhood stores to supply their gatherings; now, not only are the freshmen finding no parties, but they aren’t old enough to provide the necessary items if they had the chance.
Local businesses usually responsible for supplying the parties with their alcohol, food, and other favors are now faced with a sort of depression. From red cups to black lights, sales for most party items have dropped to almost zero. Safeway, for instance, has had to discontinue ping pong balls due to the drop in sales, and Northside Liquor has been forced to sell their liquor at bargain prices – some as low as $1.50 a bottle.
Similarly, the Eugene Police have seen a huge shift in incidents involving university students. There have been only two patrol cars on duty on weeknights, both of which have given no citations and made no arrests in the past two weeks.
“We’re glad to see the town in order, I guess,” said Deputy Mike Russel, “but honestly… it’s getting so boring.”
This last week, the police tried a new strategy of sending undercover cops to houses on weekends, trying to incite parties. Only one house out of the thirty involved in the operation invited one of the officers in, leading to an arrest of what was reported as a minor in possession of alcohol. The charges were later dropped after police learned it was actually Professor Alan Caulfield, who was having a glass of wine after coming home from class.
Where the lights and sounds were once engulfing the streets off campus, there is now only closed windows, dimmed lights, and an almost library-esque silence; except, of course, for the impatient patter of freshman feet, tired from roaming the streets in vain.
A ruffle of curtains might be seen as the group passes, but when the door is approached, it seems like there’s no one home. Barns and his friend, freshman Austin Walters yell outside the doors of fraternity Delta Alpha Tau. “I love my Ducks!” they chant, obviously putting the last of their energy in the attempt to rile the frat.
Senior Stephen Stewart peeks through the windows for a moment, then returns to his armchair and picks his book up again.
“These kids are crazy,” Stewart sighs. “I’m just too tired to party, bro.”