Ah, the holidays. Whether you celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, or just stick to New Year’s, there’s nothing more important than celebrating this time with your presents. Unfortunately, family often gets in the way. As kids, you’re introduced to endless streams of colorful, exciting toy commercials, with dancing elves and exciting tunes, but then forced to sit through visits with your withering great aunts and grandparents just to receive the bountiful gifts under the tree. But you’re an adult now. You shouldn’t have to endure family just to unwrap the three pack of Hanes socks with your name embroidered on the edge. It’s time to take back the holidays, and demand that Star Wars Death Star Lego set you’ve always wanted. Here are five tips to having the holiday season you deserve.
1. You are never too old to sit on Santa’s lap.
Never again will you watch as 4-7 year olds have all the fun of getting pictures with Santa. Who said 21 is too old to believe? In fact, skip the line by showing up to the mall dressed as an elf. You can simply pretend you just started your shift, get your selfie and bounce before anyone is able to catch you and the bag of candy canes you stole.
2. If your relatives begin to talk politics during dinner, simply scream.
If you do have to sit through a holiday dinner, you unfortunately might be faced with dreadful politics talk. But this is your year, so don’t let political conversation drag out the dinner. If your relative begins to disagree with you, simply begin to scream. Start quietly, and gain volume until the pure pitch of your voice is enough to evacuate your family members from the room. This will speed up the process, until soon you are gathered for presents.
3. Avoid any awkward “Why don’t you have a significant other yet?” questions by saying your professor is with his wife.
Unfortunately, many college-age adults are asked tired questions upon seeing their relatives. Here are some other possible responses to questions you might be asked:
“What do you want to do when you graduate?” say, “Better than you!”
“Why did you get suspended?” say, “They didn’t let me drive the boat.”
“How come you seem drunk right now?” say, “How come there are two of you?”
“How many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie roll center of a Tootsie Pop?” say, “CRUNCH.”
4. Do not even try to plan gifts early, your mom loves the mini spatulas and homemade coupons you get her every year.
While planning how to make your own holiday better, there’s not really time to think of anyone else. Plus, your parents love homemade gifts like the “good for one hug” coupons you’ve been giving them since you were ten. But if you are going to go out and buy something for them, stick to the basics like backscratchers and mini tool kits. Nothing says you care like a tiny hammer that you drove all the way to Home Depot to buy and spent three minutes looking for. At least that’s what the Home Depot ads will tell you, and the nice commercial voice would never lie to you.
5. Lastly remember, the holidays are about presents.
If it hasn’t become clear yet, don’t forget the magic of the holidays isn’t about seeing family you only see once a year, or eating warm, rich food, or spending time with friends, it’s about what you get from Target. You don’t want to return to college without the new Airpods, so if you get anything else tell your family that this is YOUR holiday, and then begin to scream. This is sure to put a smile on their faces when they remember you’re heading back to school.
