Dear Beaver Believers,
It’s not anyone’s fault the University of Oregon and OSU hate each other so much. Our forefathers gave future Ducks and Beavers a predetermined sibling rivalry that has been ongoing for decades; the Ducks being the older, cultured, sophisticated and intellectual university and the Beavs being the younger, whiny tattletale, always trying to keep up with big brother.
But let’s put our rivalries aside this Civil War weekend and be sisters in the spirit of good sportsmanship. In this vein, I want to congratulate OSU for another year of successfully upholding all of the stereotypes of Beaver ineptitude that we treasure here at the University of Oregon. It’s not like we want to continue the tradition of roasting the Beavs, but it’s sad that you make yourselves such easy targets.
OSU has put its students $19 million in debt — or have they? For a school that graduates so many “top-notch” engineers each year, you’d think somebody could find a calculator laying around to balance the budget.
Perhaps your administrators were so excited by the prospect of playing “cowboys and Indians” in the vast wasteland of Bend, they forgot to check to see if they had enough money to pay for the project to begin with. But what else can you expect from an administration whose idea of liberal arts includes animal husbandry? I guess cowfolk should stick together.
The prospect of leaving Corvallis, whose only claim to fame is DaVinci Days, to study at the branch campus in Eastern Oregon can’t be bad, either — for students or administrators. The city of Corvallis, which boasts having the highest cost of living in the state, should actually be congratulated for keeping students there of their own free will for four-plus years. A town with a nightlife centered around frat-boy bar fights at the Peacock makes Salem look cultured and interesting. Heck! Corvallis even makes Springfield look good!
At least the cops in Corvallis keep things interesting. I’m sure racial profiling, busting wannabe “Animal House” Greek parties and handing out speeding tickets like Halloween candy on Highway 34 keeps the cops busy. But then again, they have to keep up with the illegal(?) activities of OSU football players, and all of that paperwork must be time-consuming.
I guess its only natural that the former Oregon Agriculture College, with its crowning program still being about vegetables and trees, would have a hard time recruiting quality athletes without criminal records. Especially when the Beaver football stadium is named after a potato salad and frozen burrito producer.
You’ve heard all of these complaints about your pathetic excuse for a university before — the university-controlled Barometer reports Beaver shortcomings on a daily basis. But it’s not your fault the OSU administration has the right to censor content. The only real journalism program can be found right here in Eugene. Beaver believers should stick to what they know best — cattle and a can of Busch Light.
Here at the University of Oregon, we know it isn’t easy being a Beav. So to extend our hand in the spirit of sportsmanship, this Civil War we’ll try to accommodate you like a good older sibling. We’ll be setting up horse hitches and corrals outside of Autzen Stadium and taking down all of the big words from our street signs — for your convenience. We know you have more modern means of transportation, but there is no monster truck parking available. Remember kids, you’re not at Reser Stadium anymore.
I’ll spare you from mentioning the lost hopes for your football season under Dennis “who’s fleece was white as snow” Erickson. Nobody wants to see you cry — it already rains too much in Oregon.
Sincerely,
Your bigger (and better) in-state sibling rival
Julie Lauderbaugh is the editorial editor for the Oregon Daily Emerald. Her opinions do not necessarily reflect those of the Emerald or Barometer. She can be reached at [email protected].