Oh, parking meter, how I love you. Whenever I enter an urban district, I know you are there for me. I see the meter maids dutifully enforcing your timers, ensuring that no one parks too long.
It is socially irresponsible of people to spend more time than they have paid for by extending a meeting, or considering lengthy patronage at a downtown business. When walking back to their cars on a beautiful day, and seeing tickets on their windshields, or realizing as soon as they sit down for that meeting that they forgot to feed the meter, they need not fret; you are merely teaching them a lesson in civic-mindedness, as a loving overlord. Parking meter, you keep honest people honest and the rest of us sane.
I know the money you collect from your overly fair rates goes to help you. It is imperative you are well-maintained, and that additional expansion to parking be considered — though it is not necessary as you manage the spots you have so well. As a college student, I have the money to spare; take what you need.
What would we do without you? You are so perfect in inception that your initial design remained relatively unchanged for your first 40 years. Of all the responsible members of society, you deserve the most kudos in achieving your ripe old age.
Which is why I write to you this belated happy birthday column as you recently crested 75 years. Thank you for all you have done for society over the past three-quarters of a century.
In the past, after circling the block of the building I want to enter a few times and then the surrounding blocks, I finally find one of your preciously guarded spaces open and willing to receive my vehicle. But, wait. I only have nickels and dimes. Why are these coins not as good as others? You must have good reason for not accepting them, parking meter. It is with heavy heart that I must now find a convenience store, buy something of no consequence, get cash back off of my debit card, and then ask that the cash be exchanged for quarters. Finally, I can park and make it to where I need to be on time! It is with light heart that I make the return jaunt back to the space I have been dreaming of, only to find it usurped by someone more prepared with quartery goodness. Never matter, parking meter, I trust in your infinite wisdom. I know you have your reasons, I know that you won’t lead me astray. After circling a few more times and realizing I’m low on gas, I have to surrender and pay $5 to get into a parking lot that accepts cards. Don’t worry, parking meter, it’s just an easy thing, all these other lots don’t mean anything to me. I’d much rather be securely parked in your spot. You’re the one.
This story is just one example of a bygone era, as you well know. After all, who needs free parking anyway?
I stand all amazed that we, as a society, no longer need to spend much time at parking spots, or even require that many spots. It’s also amazing that we as a society have forsaken credit and debit cards and always carry an ample supply of change for just such occasions. Any place we drive our vehicles to, our stay clearly needs to only last for a few minutes up to a couple hours. If it is important and we need to get there fast, we’ll simply walk, bike, or take the bus. Jockeying for limited spots and struggling for change is so 1990s. Downtown areas are doing fine financially from pedestrian patrons. You, parking meter, have shown us the light and single-handedly saved us from the overtly destructive fates that are global warming and commercial ruin, by monitoring our time and keeping spots perpetually empty for us.
We have burnt down our suburbias and all moved back to vertical living in the cornucopia that is our collective urban centers. Why go to Wal-Mart where you can always find parking, even on holidays? Who needs the convenience of your own vehicle for grocery shopping? You can take up three to four rows of seats on the bus for your milk and pudding pops — the other bus riders won’t mind; they do it, too.
Here’s to you, parking meter, for bringing revenue back to failing downtown brick and mortar businesses by always having spots available, destroying SUV-filled suburbia with your fair, but nonnegotiable rates, and for saving us all from ourselves. Thanks to you, the Earth will continue with human civilization thriving on it for millennia. Here’s to another 75 good years — or perhaps 75 good millennia, parking meter.
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