“I think you should write about me. I’m very interesting.”
These were the exact words of one of my friends when I mentioned the fact that I wrote a regular column. While the suggestion seemed enticing, I passed at the opportunity.
Throughout the term, I’ve had many ideas thrown at me, some progressive and some extremely ludicrous. However, I’ve decided that because this is my last column of the term I would pay tribute to these ideas. Thus, I give you ideas that were never worth writing about in the first place:
The Whole Foods parking lot: My mom loves this idea. Whenever we go grocery shopping, she looks at me with wisdom-filled eyes and very enthusiastically points to all the different cars in the parking lot.
“Look at that Hummer!” she’ll say, with eyebrow-furrowed disdain.
“Buying organic, healthy food, and yet driving a gigantic, wasteful automobile.”
She’s right; it is a bit odd. Often, I feel like Whole Foods itself is a strange environment. While I’m a fan, it’s really nothing more than an over-priced grocery store existing with the image of being all about living a healthy, natural lifestyle. If you really lived the way they seem to suggest, you’d probably only be able to afford an apple and maybe a box of generic Cheerios every month. So, yes, there are Hummers in the parking lot. But in the end, don’t we really just care about the image of something, more than the actual reason behind it?
Mustaches: Some people can grow them, others can’t, and it’s always difficult to take those in the latter category seriously. My little brother is one of these people. Recently, when his friends attempted to claim their 16-year-old masculinity by not shaving, his lack of mustache-growing ability became apparent. Instead of a ‘stache, a chin beard burst out from under his throat. Chin beards are not mustaches. They do not say power. They do not make you look like you could possibly be bearing arms. Rather, they just look gross. We made him shave it off.
Karma: My computer broke last week. I rammed into a sidewalk and gashed a hole in my tire about a month ago. Recently, when I attempted to fill in an online application, the program decided not to work for me. Am I just bitching about things, or do I have bad Karma? Does Karma exist? And, if it does, what makes you deserve the bad stuff? And, how do you get to all the glorious good Karma?
Craigslist: On this Web site you can get a roommate, a job, and if you so desire, write about your mysterious encounter with someone you spotted in the grocery store. It’s weird. There is so much information, at one specific location. And, what about the roommate part? Generally, finding a roommate, or deciding to live with someone, is a very arduous process, but now it’s been broken down into an ad and a phone call. What if you get someone completely crazy? Or, worse, just crazy enough to make you suspicious of her sanity but not enough to call her out on it? Ah, technology, how you’ve wreaked havoc on our lives!
Monsters: Aren’t they people too?: After writing an article in which I mentioned the game Doom, it was brought to my attention that you actually shoot monsters in the game, and not humans. I understand there is seemingly a difference between people and monsters. But, what about monsters being like people? Does anyone remember “Mary Shelly’s Frankenstein”?; if my memory serves me correctly, the most human character in the novel was the monster. Aren’t monsters basically people too? How is there such a difference between shooting a deformed face mush or a person in a video game?
Thinking about it, I should have just listened to my friend and written about her. Because, like I had previously thought, these ideas probably didn’t need a column. But at least you saw how my brain worked, as I attempted to churn out content week after week. Now I, like the rest of you, will have all summer to recharge my brain.
Contact the columnist at [email protected]