After weeks of contemplating how to change college football for the better, Ducks football head coach Dan Lanning finally landed on a decision that he called “the obvious choice.” 

In a move lauded by some and called an abomination by football purists, Lanning and the Oregon football program announced their intention to replace the traditional gridiron football spring game with flag football. Lanning and company cited concerns about concussions in a meaningless game and the overall “lack of grace” in the sport. 

That’s right, Duck fans: the only head injuries that can be expected the day of the spring football game will be from students getting a little too crazy in the student section. 

“We just think there’s too much going on sometimes,” Lanning said immediately following the announcement. “Kind of like in the Ohio State game at the Rose Bowl, sometimes it’s hard for our guys to keep up. So I think this will give us a good opportunity to get back to the roots of the game, where we are all winners deep down.” 

“I mean we say FEBU,” Lanning said. “But for now that means ‘flag everybody but us’.” 

The announcement, made just weeks before the program’s annual spring showcase on April 26, has been met with outrage from football fans on social media worldwide.

“Has Dan Lanning gone soft?” one X user wrote. “Dude loses one game to the best team in the world, and he’s suddenly afraid of his guys hitting each other in a game.”

Lanning’s players, however, see it a different way. 

“I mean, growing up, I would just juke guys out of their socks, and they had no chance at grabbing my flag,” linebacker Bryce Boettcher said. “I think it’s a good opportunity to showcase my talents and show them why I’m the best in the world.” 

Fans, however, have voiced a different sentiment. 

“The spring game should be about two things: BORGs and tackle football,” one UO student said. “They are taking the football away from us in 2025? What has the world come to?” 

Lanning said that the Oregon football science team has been doing countless hours of research on how to best prevent head injuries. But, in a decision between having select timeouts for players to dunk their faces in jugs of bottles of Saratoga water, and moving the spring game to flag football, Lanning chose the latter. 

“They’re fighting for clicks, we’re fighting for flags,” Lanning said. “Don’t forget that.” 

Disclaimer: All quotes and facts in this article are completely satirical and fake, in light of April Fools Day.