Last week, you may have noticed that my column didn’t grace the actual printed version of the Emerald. This is because mere ink and paper alone could not contain the whirlwind of emotions I felt about the new Michael Jackson album (plus, the economy sucks and space in the paper is limited). So it found its way to our Web site — it’s located under “Features” for all my dear readers. But lucky for all of you, I’m back this week with another 15 inches of pure, unadulterated genius.
Many thought it would never happen, but it did: Michael Jackson‘s newest album, “Invincible,” managed to top the Billboard charts this week, selling a healthy but definitely not “Thriller”-ish 366,272 copies. This comes after an avalanche of hype, rumors and just plain weirdness surrounding the album’s release.
In related news: The cover of this week’s “TV Guide” features a photo of Jackson that is so unbelievably horrible that it’s been giving me nightmares all week long. The guy’s face is freaking melting off, people.
In fact, in the accompanying story, it’s revealed that Jackson showed up for the interview with his face swathed in bandages. Jackson claimed that the bandages were for his allergies. Uh-huh. I’m just excited for the day that Michael finally cracks and is found naked at an airport or something. That would be cool.

Exciting news for Red Hot Chili Peppers fans: The band will be releasing a DVD of an entire live concert on Dec. 4. It’s called “Off the Map,” and get this: The concert was filmed entirely at Portland’s Memorial Coliseum! The set will include such Chili Peppers favorites as “Under the Bridge” and “Give it Away.” If you buy the DVD, take note of an idiot in the front row, wearing a T-shirt that says “DORK,” who is desperately trying to get himself into every camera shot. That idiot is me.
Are you a fan of the Smashing Pumpkins? Does their breakup last year still cause you acute depression? Does your black mascara and eyeliner run because of the tears that you weep daily over the loss of your favorite alternative rock juggernaut?
If so, take heart, little gothster. Billy Corgan has a new band. They’re called Zwan and they have the Pumpkins’ old drummer, Jimmy Chamberlain, playing the skins once again. Zwan also features guitarist Matthew Sweeny and guitarist Skullfisher. If you’re really on the ball, you can catch Zwan’s debut next week in Pomona, Calif. Personally, I’m a bit frightened of the whole deal.
And finally, in a rare example of a record company actually doing something other than ripping off young artists, charging way too much for CDs and ruining lives in general, the “big five” of record labels (including Sony, Warner Bros., and Universal) will be working together to release a two-CD set, DVD and VHS of the “America: A Tribute to Heroes” concert from Sept. 21. To further cause disbelief, all proceeds from the sales will be put toward the September 11th Telethon Fund.
The concert featured a massively diverse array of performers, from U2 to Stevie Wonder to Eddie Vedder to Willie Nelson, and all three formats will be released on Dec. 4. What a cool idea. How nice that five examples of greedy capitalism gone wrong have actually come together to do something positive. In fact, I have nothing cynical or bitchy to say about it. Have a nice week, everybody.