February.
To be honest, it’s my least favorite time of year. February is the month that plays host to the year’s two worst holidays: the Super Bowl (Of course it’s a holiday — this is the United States) and Valentine’s Day.
Valentine’s Day is easy to avoid: Stay off your social network of choice and don’t go to any fancy restaurants, and you’ll likely be OK. Don’t forget that dive bars exist to serve those of us who are smart enough to remain single.
The Super Bowl, however, is quite a bit more challenging to avoid. Not only is it all over every form of media, but it seems like in every class I’m taking, I have the (mis)fortune of being on the edge of a group where somebody is inviting everyone to come to their Super Bowl barbeque.@@ha ha  …not invited    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zdCUpiI1MSA@@
Then comes that awkward moment when they — the pop-media-loving host — and me — the clueless son-of-a-bitch whose idea of a good time is listening to Coltrane while drinking wine and making eggplant parmesan — make eye contact. A grimace of discontent flashes between our faces.
They know that I don’t know the first thing about sports. Meanwhile, I’m thinking there’s nothing I’d care to do less than spend my Sunday in front of some 60 inches of light blaring commercialized mass media values (I have never once wished for a more “drinkable” beer), consisting of natural male enhancement, arthritis medication and premium laundry detergent.
So, in order for both of us to meet the rest of the group’s expectations, the host offers me an invite, and I (begrudgingly) accept.@@sucks to be invited to things, eh?@@ Fine — I’ll go to your sports orgy, eat your meat and watch your tube — but I won’t like it.@@oh….but you will@@
The booze
To all of you Football Luddites, I wish to emphasize that the gut-wrenching, beer-guzzling, wardrobe-malfunctioning riot better known as the Super Bowl is not the time to break out your classy, red wines. If you want to fit in, the less classy your booze is, the better.
Think Miller High Life or Keystone Light. Budweiser if anything is sure to be a winner this Sunday. If you’re a mixed-drink person, don’t even think about making anything that is more complicated than a mixer and booze. Rum and coke. Margarita mix and tequila. Vodka and orange juice.
The food
Ever see those KFC commercials where the guy picks up a couple buckets of deep fried, reanimated chicken concentrate and receives a standing ovation when he shows up with it at the party? The Super Bowl is the only time in your life when such a thing is actually a socially acceptable act. If you’re not sure what qualifies as a winner for this game; simply ask the person at the fast food joint for the list of dietary information. Choose whatever has the longest list of ingredients and the highest percentage of (indigestible) fats.
The dress
The New York Giants are playing the New England Patriots. Luckily, the team colors are pretty similar — red, white, blue and gray for the Giants and red, white, blue and silver for the Patriots. If, like me, you have a hefty collection of name-brand workout sweaters and sports memorabilia that your dad gave you when he hoped you’d become a real man and do some sports, wear them. The last thing you want to do is have some cross-eyed, slobber-spewing idiot questioning your manhood at halftime.
Ladies, in my opinion, might get a break in this department. Just look good and smile and (hopefully) none of the ogres will bother you.
Key people
Keep your mouth shut. The less everyone knows about how little you know about the sport, the better. Just in case you’re forced to say something, here’s a couple of people to remember:
Eli Manning: A really good quarterback who is also the younger brother of the famous quarterback, Peyton Manning. In the 2008 Super Bowl, when the Giants upset the undefeated Patriots, Manning won the game’s Most Valuable Player award.
Tom Brady: The Patriots really good quarterback. He’s been a starting quarterback in the NFL for 10 years and has been to the Super Bowl five of those years. He’s pretty damn good (at football). Coincidentally, he was the quarterback who was playing for the Patriots in 2008 when the Giants (and Manning) defeated them.
Tom Coughlin: The Giants head coach. Early on this guy considered studying to become a Catholic priest but ultimately decided against it. He’s known as a straight-laced guy who can also be really abrasive at times.
Bill Belichick: The head coach of the Patriots. At one point he was caught up in an illegal taping scandal where he’d send team assistants to record opposing teams’ practice. In 2007, the NFL fined him half a million dollars. This will be his fifth Super Bowl.