I am Dick Vitale.
Right now I am the Philly Phanatic, the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders and Barrelman all rolled into one.
It’s hockey time, babeeeee!
Yes sir, today marks a very important date on my calendar. Today, the Dallas Stars and the Colorado Avalanche will start a nine-month marathon of hockey when they drop the puck on ESPN. Nine months of bliss.
So why should you watch this game tonight, you ask? Why shouldn’t you watch, say, the Yankees play the A’s?
The answer is: Watch those teams, but flip over to ESPN every once in a while. You’ll see a more exciting game.
Yeah, I called hockey exciting. Why not? Name an NFL player that can hit as hard as the Stars’ Darien Hatcher. Name someone in sports with as many ooh-ahh moves as Buffalo goalie Dominik Hasek.
If you think hockey isn’t tough, ask Anaheim forward Paul Kariya what it feels like to have more concussions than Steve Young and Troy Aikman combined — and still be playing.
Ask ex-Bruin Marty McSorley what it feels like to go on trial for assault and battery after an almost routine hockey play. Ask Dallas’ Mike Modano what it feels like to go face-first into the boards on national television.
More global than basketball, faster than football and less predictable than baseball, hockey is … where it’s at.
And I’ve got two turntables and a microphone.
So I guess it’s time to make some fearless predictions for the 82-game season. Fearless.

Western Conference —

Central Division
1. St. Louis Blues. The tide has turned in the Western Conference. The speed and sleekness of Detroit has given way to the toughness and playmaking of the Blues and the Dallas Stars. St. Louis has all the makings of a dynasty: the veteran leadership of Al MacInnis, the hard-hitting play of Chris Pronger and the goalkeeping of Roman Turek. Look for the Blues to make it further than last year’s disappointing first-round loss to San Jose.
2. Detroit Red Wings. 3. Nashville Predators. 4. Columbus Blue Jackets. 5. Chicago Blackhawks.

Northwest Division
1. Colorado Avalanche. Where did Ray Borque, one of the best defensemen in the game, go when he wanted to win a championship? Colorado, of course. The Avalanche are a no-brainer to win the Division, and maybe the Conference. Colorado has dominating forwards like Peter Forsberg, one of the best centers in the game, and big-name players up and down the roster. The Avalanche have a goalie, Patrick Roy, who is four wins away from breaking the all-time NHL record. Colorado, meet Lord Stanley.
2. Vancouver Canucks. 3. Calgary Flames. 4. Edmonton Oilers. 5. Minnesota Wild.

Pacific Division
1. Dallas Stars. The Stars are still one of the best teams in the NHL, despite being embarrassed in a few playoff games last year. But if Dallas is going to win a Stanley Cup, this is the year to do it. Ed Belfour and Brett Hull are 35 and 36 years old, respectively, while Mike Modano, Joe Nieuwendyk and Sergei Zubov are all in their 30s. The Stars proved all their doubters wrong last year by making it to the finals despite their creakiness, and could easily do it again in 2000-01.
2. San Jose Sharks. 3. Phoenix Coyotes. 4. Anaheim Mighty Ducks. 5. Los Angeles Kings.

Eastern Conference-Atlantic Division
1. New Jersey Devils. The Devils will use their superstar firepower to win the division title this season. Forwards Claude Lemieux and Patrick Elias, defenders Scott Niedermayer and Scott Stevens, and goalie Martin Brodeur add depth to this strong team. But the surprise team of last year’s playoffs won’t be a surprise anymore, and if other teams can figure out how to break the Devils’ trapping defense, New Jersey could find themselves out of the postseason early.
2. Philadelphia Flyers. 3. New York Rangers. 4. Pittsburgh Penguins. 5. New York Islanders.
Northeastern Division
1. Toronto Maple Leafs. The best team in Canada will cruise in the NHL’s easiest division. When it comes time for the postseason, however, the Leafs will need to play tougher defense than they did against New Jersey last year in order to raise the Stanley Cup. Nobody knows that as well as the Maple Leafs’ ownership, who acquired hard-hitting Dave Manson from Dallas and Shane Corson from Montreal to add the one element Toronto was missing: scariness.
2. Buffalo Sabres. 3. Ottawa Senators.
4. Montreal Canadiens.
5. Boston Bruins.

Southeast Division
1. Florida Panthers. Pavel Bure is the Panthers, and that’s just the way they like it. The “Russian Rocket” could add to his growing NHL legend if he can stay injury-free this year. Florida will also be hoping for Bure to stay healthy, so it can earn another trip to the postseason.
2. Washington Capitals. 3. Tampa Bay Lightning. 4. Carolina Hurricanes. 5. Atlanta Thrashers.
And here are your fearless playoff predictions:
Western quarterfinals: Avalanche def. Canucks 4-1, Stars def. Predators 4-1, Blues def. Coyotes 4-3, Sharks def. Red Wings 4-3.
Eastern quarterfinals: Devils def. Penguins 4-3, Flyers def. Rangers 4-2, Maple Leafs def. Capitals 4-3, Sabres def. Panthers 4-3.
Western semifinals: Avalanche def. Sharks 4-1, Blues def. Stars 4-3.
Eastern semifinals: Devils def. Sabres 4-2, Flyers def. Maple Leafs 4-3.
Western finals: Avalanche def. Blues 4-3.
Eastern finals: Flyers def. Devils 4-3.
Stanley Cup Finals: Avalanche def. Flyers 4-2.
Drop the puck, babeeee!