Editor’s note: Names and some details in this story have been changed to protect the identity of those involved.
The first time Amy tried to leave her abusive relationship, she had been dating William about a year. She gathered up her things and packed them into her car. But as she was pulling away, William shoved her through the car and out of the door onto the pavement.
Amy dated William off and on for nine years and married him a few years ago. They had a house near campus and both attended the University.
It took Amy 11 years to get out of her relationship, she said. She said she knew the warning signs of domestic abuse, and she doesn’t know why she didn’t leave William sooner. It might have been out of fear, she said. Or it might have been that he had worn down her self-esteem so much that she believed him when he said no one else would want her, she said.
When contacted, William denied Amy’s account of their relationship.
Amy is not alone. Roughly 34 percent of women responding to a survey in Lane County reported that they had been victims of domestic violence in a 1997 survey. More than 1 out of every 8 Oregon women 18-34 years of age are estimated to have been victims of physical abuse by an intimate partner during the past year, according to the 1998 Oregon Domestic Violence Needs Assessment.
October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, when people nationally and locally want to ensure domestic assault survivors know where to turn. Campus groups such as the Counseling Center, Office of Student Life and the Women’s Center have publicized their resources in hopes that students on campus will prevent their relationships from escalating like Amy’s did.
While Amy admitted she was nervous to talk to a reporter about something she had tried so hard to forget, she also said it was worth it if she could help just one person avoid the same situation.
Sheryl Eyster, assistant dean of the Office of Student Life, said there are various warning signs people should look for in their relationships. Patterns of physical, emotional and sexual abuse gradually increase in the level of violence, she said.
“There is a typical pattern of power and control exercised over one person. At each stage, the violence increases to further weaken the survivor,” Eyster said.
She added that although domestic violence predominately occurs in male-female relationships, it can take many forms, whether it is in the family, child abuse, same-sex, or dating violence.
Last year, Amy left William for good. She is now remarried and lives outside of Eugene. Her new husband is supportive and non-violent, and her young children are safe, she said.
Amy said William was very attentive when they first started dating. He would surprise her at work during her break or unexpectedly show up to take her out to lunch. But after awhile, she started to feel a little uncomfortable — to the point where she wanted him to back off, she said.
He was also very jealous if she spent time with any of her friends, and little things would make him angry, to the point where he would turn violent, she said.
For example, if he didn’t like what she’d made for dinner, he’d throw a plate at her, she said. If she was snoring too loudly, he’d slap her in her sleep, she said.
One time he was so angry, he smashed her head with a clog, she said. She said she can remember the shock.
“I thought, ‘Oh my God, this is my blood.’ And then you think of getting out, but you don’t know where to go and grabbing your kids and going to a shelter sounds scary,” she said.
Amy said the turning point for her was the day she was raped and sodomized by William.
Amy and William got a divorce, but Amy’s accusations never led to conviction. As reported in local court records, William does have an earlier conviction for domestic assault.
When Amy told her friends and family what had happened, many weren’t supportive, she said.
“On the outside I looked like such a together person,” she said. “When most people heard, they couldn’t handle it. They didn’t want to know that kind of thing happens in a marriage.”
But some of her friends and teachers, campus public safety officers and University staff were very supportive, Amy said.
She saw a University counselor every week for the year after she was raped, she said.
When she met her current husband a year ago, she told her counselor that the relationship was very different from relationships she’d had in the past.
“The counselor told me, ‘Well, you’ve never experienced “normal” before,’ and I thought, ‘I’m 35 years old, and this is the first time I’ve had a normal relationship,’” she said.
She said she appreciates life in a new way and hopes others like her will get help.
“The greatest part of it is not feeling every day like you’re waiting for that other shoe to drop. I used to get this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach before I got home. I don’t have that anymore,” she said. “You can’t fix broken people — just get out, and fix yourself.”