Want to get rid of that stubborn patchouli funk left behind by the last batch of dirtheads to rent your apartment? Smoke it out. Smoke it out with stinky pork.
Red beans and rice is the quintessential laundry day grubbins. It’ll feed you for a week for less than six bucks, and your place will reek of smoked ham hocks for a month. (That’s a good thing.) It takes a couple of hours, but it’s not labor intensive. Turn on the radio, whip up a Hot Toddy, sort your whites from your darks, and get ready for some spicy-ass comfort chow.
I recommend using smoked neck bones because they are cheap and meaty, but any smoky, pork-like substance will due. Ham hocks, ham bones or even bacon will work. Making this dish without one of the above will result in a dish resembling soggy packing peanuts. If you are expecting vegetarians over, well, lemmie give you a bit of free advice: These flatulent folks are not worthy of your sausage, or your hospitality.
Precise measurements of either ingredients or time are unimportant. I attempted to develop a Unified Field Theory of Red Beans and Rice for the purposes of this column — a “recipe” if you will — but what’s the point? I mean, you could simply take that list of ingredients, toss it all in a pot, turn the heat to medium and walk away. It would come out great. What follows are a loose set of suggestions that may be ignored at will.
Contrary to popular opinion, beans do not need to soak. Soaking overnight reduces cooking time, but nobody thinks that far ahead. Rinse the beans in several changes of water, drain, transfer to a large stock pot and cover with about five cups of hot water. Toss in the swine-bones, put on the lid and turn the heat all the way up. While you’re waiting for it to boil, toss in your socks, underpants and some bleach — into the washer, not the stock pot — then after you’ve got the laundry going, reduce the heat to low and allow beans to simmer.
Chop up the veggies and break the sausage up into chunks. In a large sauté pan (or what-have-you), brown the sausage over medium heat for a few minutes. Once the sausage has released all of that luscious fat, toss in the garlic, peppers and onions. Stir this occasionally until the peppers are soft and the onions are browned. Dump in the can of tomatoes and add the bay leaves.
At any rate, I leave the seasoning solely to your discretion. You like spicy? Cayenne, paprika, Tabasco, pepper flakes, pepper spray. Whatever floats your boat. Just remember that dumping hot sauce on top of the finished product is part of the whole experience, so don’t press your luck at this early stage.
Let this cook away until you’ve transferred your socks over to the dryer and started another load. Pull out the bones and let cool. Dump the contents of the sauté pan on top of the beans and stir. After the bones have cooled, pick off the meat, chop and return to the pot. Reduce heat to simmer and cook uncovered until your clothes are dry and folded. Add water if necessary, but you’re looking for a nice, thick gravy, not soup.
The rice is easy. Rinse it, then cover with water: two cups water for every one cup of rice. Bring to a boil, then reduce heat to low and cover. Stirring releases starches, so don’t touch it or you’ll muck it all up. Let it cook until the rice is tender and the water is absorbed. Craters will begin forming on the surface when it is getting close.
A little from column A, a little from column B. Badda-boom: red beans and rice. Garnish with green onions, cilantro or parsley, and serve with plenty of hot sauce. And don’t spill any down the front of your shirt. It could be months before laundry day rolls around again.