**Editor’s Note: Each week during football season we will feature an essay from the opponent’s student newspaper on how Oregon will lose. This week’s edition is from Zach Lott, from Arkansas State’s The Herald.**
You guys must really hate USC.
Finally bowl-eligible again and – BAM! – they’re right back to being media darlings. Ranked first overall in the AP poll? Check. Absurd hype from ESPN about potentially being the best offense ever? Check. Romantic comparisons to the Pete Carroll days? Check. At least Lane Kiffin’s presence should keep the NCAA investigators occupied.
But you’ve got more important things to worry about. Allow me to reintroduce you to your worst nightmare: Gus Malzahn. That’s right – he’s back. He may not have Cam Newton or, ahem, Michael Dyer, but I’m confident in my assertion that, come Saturday, the Oregon Ducks (Accelleratii incredibus) don’t have a prayer of besting the Arkansas State Red Wolves (Carnivorous vulgaris).
Beyond Malzahn’s obvious familiarity with Nick Aliotti’s defense and Chip Kelly’s ludicrous-speed offense is the fact that we’re getting pretty good at this no-huddle thing ourselves. Former A-State head coach Hugh Freeze’s offense is a kissing cousin of Malzahn’s, except now we have the real thing. By now, I’m sure our defense is accustomed to the fine art of flopping around to catch their breath.
But let’s make no mistake – this is a money game. We’re used to being sacrificed to the football gods so the athletic department can stay afloat a little bit longer, but the thing that works most in our favor is the fact that the media has been yammering for months about how easy Oregon’s schedule is.
When people start telling you that there’s no chance you can lose to a team like Arkansas State, you start to believe it. Next thing you know, Ryan Aplin is obliterating your secondary because your defense is too busy dreaming about squeezing the life from Matt Barkley’s pretty little blonde head.
I imagine Oregon will jump out to an early lead before Marcus Mariota temporarily forgets he’s playing an actual FBS opponent and chucks the ball into blanket coverage for a pick-6. From there, los Lobos Rojas will demolish, bludgeon and annihilate the Ducks on route to a 45-17 victory. Barack Obama will edge Mitt Romney in November when a furious write-in campaign causes Malzahn to split the vote and allows the president to capture Arkansas’ six electoral votes. A statue of Malzahn’s visor will erected outside the student union.
And then those losers in Fayetteville will snatch Malzahn up and return us to the dark ages. Such is life.