Editor’s note: We realize some of the content in this candidate Q & A article may offend readers. In the interest of fairness and full disclosure, however, the text is being run in its entirety.
Sho Ikeda is a junior history major. He is running without a running mate.
Q: What is your platform?
A: I am a member of a church called The Church of Wazeth. I am the middle prophet. There is a first prophet, a last prophet, there is a sacrificial virgin. The Church of Wazeth was founded many years ago by some of my friends when we discovered that Wazeth was the answer to everything in life. Wazeth is great. He is amazing. He is the all-knowing light — and he hates us. The Church of Wazeth is the biggest religion in the world. Every member, including every member of the [Emerald] editorial board here, is a member of The Church of Wazeth. The problem is that not everyone knows they are a member. However, and we like to publicize this, anyone who does not wish to be a member of the church may be excommunicated for $5 payable to The Church of Wazeth, money order, checks, cash all accepted. It fits into my platform because I want to spread the word of Wazeth to the ignorant believers. I mean, they should be believers, but they don’t know it yet. By getting into this public forum, I can spread the word and therefore enlighten many more followers.
Q: How does the decision to run for office fit into your career goals?
A: My ultimate career goal is to be a martyr for our church. Therefore, by moving into student government and achieving a name for myself here at this school, I can then move on into other public arenas such as national government and hopefully be shot down by some crazed gunman. Therefore I would be a martyr for the church, and therefore that would fulfill my career goal.
Q: What specific campus-oriented initiatives will you champion?
A: Obviously first I would set up the Wazethian Student Union. I would then move toward founding clubs such as the Gun and Alcohol Club, the Naked Women Who Like to Dance Around On Top of Tables Club and The People Who Like to Watch Terry Gilliam Films Club.
Q: What would you advocate for on the state level for students, and how would you carry out your plan?
A: First of all, I want to make it legal for everyone to own dolphins because dolphins are an important part of the environment, and therefore we should all have one in our homes that we can pet and love and hug and ride around if necessary. I also heard they go great with sandwiches. So on the state level I would move toward the existence of a dolphin in every home.
Q: What is your definition of student activism?
A: Really, really, really, really dumb — and funny — and entertaining sometimes. That’s my definition.
Q: How do you define diversity, and how do you plan to bring together the diverse voices on campus?
A: I would describe diversity kind of like Super Mario Bros. because in Super Mario Bros., first of all, you have an Italian plumber who goes around, and he fights turtles, and he fights fish, and he also fights those little goombah things that kind of look like owls-slash-mushroom things, and he also fights piranha plants, and that, my friend, is diversity. And how would I plan to bring it all to campus? I’d get the future stars of the upcoming movie Josie and the Pussycats and have them play here and have a big concert where everyone can get together and dance, and I get to dance on stage with Josie and the Pussycats. One of the members of the band was black, OK?
Q: If student groups were at odds with each other, how would you resolve the conflict?
A: Nuke them. Both of them.
Q: If there was one thing you could change about the University instantly, what would it be?
A: More big-breasted women on campus.
Q: Recent history shows a tense relationship between the ASUO Executive and University President Dave Frohnmayer. Do you plan on improving that relationship and, if so, how?
A: Well, I’ve never really met Dave Frohnmayer. I’ve seen him a couple of times. Every time I ever see him he always looks pretty stressed out. So in order to foster a better relationship with the U of O president, I believe he should take a three-month vacation and leave me in his stead, with his office and parking space too.
Q: How would you do things differently than current President Jay Breslow and Vice President Holly Magner?
A: The major difference that I would do is I would perform them all naked. That’s about it.