Nobody is as weary of fad TV shows as I am, but when it comes to co-opting a populist hit in the name of local political satire, I’m all for that. So, as the time draws near once again to decide this University’s membership in apparel license monitoring groups, it is time to remember the activists of the past and get ready to play “Hippie/Activist Survival Center Island.”
The contestants on our island this year read like a list of the usual suspects. Jay Breslow, ASUO president, leads the cast of returning characters. Arrested last year as one of the local protesters, Breslow is a politician at heart, which makes him an early favorite.
Another strong contender for the last hippie standing is surely Maria Roper, Worker Rights Consortium staff person, who is in it to win and isn’t going to back down from any local yahoo like Breslow.
Other players who return from prominent appearances last year include Randy Newnham, a spokesman for the Human Rights Alliance, and Sarah Jacobson, also from HRA. Both were vigilant and ready at a moment’s notice to condemn those who dared have a world view opposed to their own beacon of wisdom. Jevon Cutler, formerly of the Survival Center, is loud and active, as any good hippie protester should be. Also on our island, we mustn’t forget local icon Frog. Although he wasn’t officially a member of a complaining group during last year’s snafu, his sheer wiliness and rugged endurance suggest a keen survival instinct.
As the game begins, the lights come up on a rainy, flora-filled park just west of the University. The small crowd meets and greets each other, sizing up the opponents. Jacobson eyes Cutler; Newnham glares at Breslow; and Roper tickles Frog.
In their first immunity challenge, all participants are forced to find the most purely organic foods available within one mile and return to camp. The crowd races off, with Cutler and Jacobson heading for the local falafel stand, Newnham marching to a natural tea house and Frog scurrying off to a treasure trove of wheat-germ goodness. Unfortunately, Maria Roper looks dazed and out of place, having never before left her New York City WRC office. Winner of the immunity challenge: Frog.
Thus, with Frog immune from being tossed, the tension builds for the remaining contestants. After small side deals are made among the group, the vote comes up, as announced by the very bellicose host, Laura Close. First off: Sarah Jacobson. Unwilling to yield her principles for victory, Jacobson loses because she won’t play the game. The defeat is the work of a master politician, possibly a Jay Breslow.
And the rounds continue in the same manner. Next off is Newnham. No particular reason, other than the rest of the group didn’t take to him very well. Next goes Cutler, leaving Breslow, Roper and Frog. Strong personalities, strong wills toward victory. Next off is Frog. Sorry, but personality can only carry you so far.
That leaves Roper or Breslow to be the ultimate winner, dependent upon the votes of the Survival Center Island members previously tossed off. After a close finish, Laura Close announces that between the two master politicians and true believers, Maria Roper is the ultimate Survival Center Island winner. This is shocking, of course, to the crowd, considering Roper doesn’t attend the University or live in the area.
Such a shocking finish can only be followed by a more galling finale. Unhappy at the loss, Breslow demands a recount. He grabs at Roper’s face, pulling off a synthetic mask to reveal none other than: University President Dave Frohnmayer!
“I wanted to show my social conscience and say, ‘Common sense be damned,’ and I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it weren’t for you meddling kids.”