I feel much the same about Valentine’s Day as I feel about a tandem bicycle: I’m not opposed to it, but it seems silly unless you’ve got a girlfriend.
But because this Valentine’s Day falls on a Friday, Hollywood had a cherry opportunity to turn this pleasant holiday into a full-blown smarm-fest. Had the opportunity.
Paramount blew their wad, releasing “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days,” last week. USA Films also jumped the gun with “Deliver Us From Eva.” Not that I or rottentomatoes.com have a high opinion of these films, but with a big release on Valentine’s Day, drunk-on-love couplets would have stumbled to romantic comedies in droves. There could have been chocolates on the seats or Valentine’s cards at the door with movie pictures conveniently on the front: “Honey, I love you even more than this movie.” Someone really dropped the ball.
What we do get is “Daredevil.”
This movie has so many strikes against it, not even St. Valentine can restrain the awaiting flood of hate. Sure, Daredevil is wearing red– a love color — and there is a love interest super heroine. But if you think this is a romantic movie, the only action you’re getting is when you put your comics in new plastic covers.
What they did to that poor sweet Colin Farrell, besmudging his good looks with a bald cap and fake scar, makes my heterosexual blood boil. I’m still waiting for the long delayed “Phone Booth” (stupid sniper), but Farrell has already shown he is capable of so much more than scarred super villains.
And they have applied affirmative action to comic books! In the comic book world, Kingpin, both Daredevil and Spider-Man’s enemy, is as white as sour cream. And yet there is Michael Clarke “sho boss” Duncan filling his pinstripes with 6’5″ of black. This has nothing to do with race and everything to do with literal interpretation — like the Bible. This role-reversal is even worse than making Spider-Man’s web shooters an innate ability.
But even worse than that is Disney’s continual bastardization of its animated classics. “The Jungle Book 2” is being released Friday continuing the story of Mowgli, the child torn between the worlds of beasts and humans. Though more than 30 years have passed between the films, the sequel picks up the story where it left off with Mowgli finding a place in the human village where a temptress toddler, whose name is now Shanti, leads him away from his boyhood innocence. Because Mowgli is still prepubescent, the film’s romance potential is almost zero unless Disney has finally gotten to its bestiality/child porn roots.
Disney has made this movie so safe you could leave your babies with it. Haley Joel Osment, the most bankable star without a driver’s license, voices Mowgli. Jolly John Goodman will revive Baloo, though if you close your eyes it’ll be just like watching “The Emperor’s New Groove,” or “Monsters, Inc.” I’d like to say he should be banned from touching a microphone, but Disney is continuing their lazy tradition of using dependable voices: The original Baloo also voiced Little John in “Robin Hood” and the protagonist feline in “The Aristocats.” I am confident Imagineers are working to create a computer voice program to cast in all future productions.
Hey, that’s even better than twins.
Since Hollywood has failed to culture my wild romantic fancy, I’ll be latching on to a fine cigar and a stiff drink thinking about lost loves and tandem bikes.
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. His views do not necessarily represent those of the Emerald.
