Whether it’s a relationship or a quick fling, the experience of University of Oregon students when it comes to modern dating varies. However, there is one thing that most of these people’s experiences have in common: it’s difficult.
According to UO students, most people are scared to commit, some don’t want anything too serious in college, some are looking for a friend with benefits and some fear repeating past dating mistakes. Overall the theme of each of these people is that they want something casual and not long-lasting.
But why is finding a committed long-lasting healthy relationship so hard to come by in this generation? There are many reasons, but one that sticks out to me the most is our paradox of choice. Social media and the wide range of dating apps have made it easier to come by more individuals that we can connect with non confrontationally, giving us unlimited options and more to choose from.
Barry Schwartz, an American psychologist, wrote a book about this called “The Paradox of Choice.”
He wrote, “Instead of increasing our freedom to have what we want, the paradox of choice suggests that having too many choices limits our freedom. Learning to choose is hard. Learning to choose well is harder. And learning to choose well in a world of unlimited possibilities is harder still, perhaps too hard.”
The idea of unlimited choices seems appealing, but, in reality, it can cause us to withdraw from choosing a person to commit to because we ask ourselves the question: what if something better comes along?
In general, more people have gotten used to the idea of meeting their significant other through a dating app.
Theodora Blanchfield, a journalist for Verywell Mind, wrote an article questioning why dating is so hard. To his surprise: “These days, nearly 40% of people report meeting their significant other online. We know — dating apps can feel difficult to navigate.”
Dr. Carmichael, one of Robson’s sources, said, “However, it makes it easier to locate a broader swath of people you might not ordinarily be exposed to — and establish right off the bat that you’re single and ready to date.”
Many college students say that profiles on Tinder and other dating apps claim they aren’t looking for something serious, and that has caused the whole idea of dating apps to turn into this stereotype of where people go to find hookups or casual dating.
Other contributing factors could be what are called “situationships,” which overall have normalized the idea of casual relationships between two people. “Situationship” is a term that describes a friendship, but something more, yet not technically dating. In other words, it’s an excuse to stay non-exclusive while receiving relationship-like experiences.
I got the opportunity to interview a fellow UO undergraduate named William Berens, whose opinion on situationships grew rather sour.
“Yes, I think that situationship negatively impact trust because those are inherently non-exclusive, and hookup culture is fairly common in college and our generation. Also, dating apps reduce the number of ways people meet each other organically, and differentiate people wanting relationships compared to hookups,” Berens said.
Bernes then followed that statement by saying “Situationships have taken over casual dating because a lot of people have long-term situationships where they go out on dates and are functionally in a relationship without ever officially gaining that label. This has affected the people I know because they have been in month-long situationships which have included taking each other out and being ‘exclusive’ even though they weren’t technically dating.”
Situationships have created a butterfly effect where, once you become damaged from a situation, it becomes harder for you to trust the next person that comes around. We are scared to relive past relationship experiences because we don’t want to relive the heartbreak, and as cheating and lack of commitment become more common, it makes sense.
So, what can one do in a world with too much access to choices and uncertainty? The best way to make sure you are on the same page as someone is to communicate. Remember that dating should be fun, not a hassle. If you are in a loop of uncertainty and doubt, remember there is no rush and no need to settle for someone with different expectations.
This generation’s dating style is much different than your parents, and it comes with pros and cons. If you are looking for something serious, even with these factors in mind, remember that it is not impossible. It is just good to be aware of what is holding others back.
