The holidays are fast approaching. As you search for the perfect gift, I offer this newly discovered tidbit for your amusement and edification: You can send ducks through the mail.

That’s right. The United States Postal Service accepts live ducks. Be they crested, canvasback or mallard, just slap a stamp on their butt and drop ’em in the slot.
Just kidding. Had you going there didn’t I? I’m sure those of you with any common sense realize that the stamp has to go up front with the — drumroll please — bill of lading.
(Brief pause for groans to subside).
So rather than dump a fortune at Valley River Center getting them something from a list of suggested presents, redefine the phrase “flying south for the winter” and send the folks back home something really special this year — you know, kind of a “Ducks from the Duck” theme.
Imagine the cries of delight and surprise as they open the door to the postman and he hands them their very own feathered friend. Mind you, that feathered friend will have just spent several hours cooped up in a pet carrier and, upon release from its confines, may harbor enough of a grudge to commit an indiscretion on the carpet. So, be thoughtful and send along a package of paper towels too — festively wrapped, of course.
While not quite in keeping with the theme, your choices are not limited to waterfowl alone. Should a nice chicken or goose catch your eye, you may send those as well. I haven’t checked on turkeys yet — but then, perhaps it would be in poor taste if you’re planning on having a close relative roasting in the oven?
For reasons I have yet to fathom, the folks at the post office are also willing to let you ship snakes. So, here’s your chance to get that budding herpetologist in your life a brand new boa constrictor. And, what dad wouldn’t want a reticulated python? Don’t forget mom. Wouldn’t a colorful king snake draped over one shoulder really add that something special to the Christmas pictures this year?
With all continuing concerns over anthrax being sent through the mail, I can’t help but wonder if this shipping of live animals has something to do with the continuing discovery of white powder in post offices throughout the nation. I’d bet you a nickel (if I had one) that no one has thought to check these substances for the presence of dried duck droppings.
Come to think of it, I’ll bet the postal worker’s union hasn’t fully investigated the potential workers’ compensation claims that could arise out of inhaling the airborne effluvia of the various animals winging their way to and fro. Am I the only one who sees the potential for a great lawsuit here?
That’s not even the only cause of action. Despite their willingness to transport fowl and reptiles, the people at the post office inform me that they are steadfastly unwilling to accept their canine and feline counterparts. Can you say “discrimination”?
So, while you can’t send anyone a new Labrador or a Siamese, there is a whole world of critters out there that are sure to make your gift the talk of any family gathering and guarantee your place in familial legend for generations to come.
But do me a favor and keep all the credit for yourself. Really. I don’t mind a bit.