We assess dating as a realm in which we continuously engage with someone in order to see if they’re the right fit for us. Through this relationship, we may go through hardships to discover whether it’s a dynamic we should nurture or let go of.

What if we applied the same method to friendships? Sometimes people are simply not going to align within our lives. As a culture, what fears are innate within us that prevent us from cutting off friendships? As a society, have we written people off in order to sidestep confrontation?

A common phrase I’ve heard over the years is describing people as “toxic,” a term originally coined from therapy to describe someone who is causing one a lot of pain and unhappiness over a period of time. I’ve asked my friends, “Well have you addressed this issue with the person?” Commonly the response is a simple “no.”

One can argue we promote communication within romantic relationships but not always friendships. Is this lack of communication leading to impulsively cutting people off that could have benefited from the feedback if given the chance? Have we diluted the meaning of “toxic” in order to avoid working out an issue?

It is natural to have different expectations from a partner rather than a friend, solely based on the nature of the relationship. However, there is something to be said about holding one more accountable for their actions than the other. Have you ever been in a relationship with someone and tolerated certain behaviors from them that you would not have accepted from a friend, or vice versa?

Consistently holding people accountable in different types of relationships can create little gray areas within other relationships. A common experience is allowing behaviors to continue with certain people based on innate fears — fear of losing them, of how they will react or how they will perceive you.

On the other hand, when are we too forgiving of people’s bad behaviors? UO senior Nicole Mccutcheon spoke about her internal struggles with cutting off certain people.

“I often worry that if I distance myself, I am prematurely dismissing them as a person and being mean,” Mccutcheon said. “‘Oh, this person messed up once — I’m done with them.’ I want to be a forgiving person. Is this a thing we can talk about, or this is a repeat problem and let go and move on?”

Being able to differentiate between an action that is worth a conversation or not can be difficult at times. There have been multiple situations where I have had to quickly assess if this is the hill I am going to die on. It’s about being able to fit these questions into the equation: How has this person reacted in the past to feedback? Is this a friendship I want to mend or grow from? Am I cutting someone off based on impulsive emotions or thoughtful decisions? 

UO junior Jocelyn Johnson stated her reasons why she decides a friendship may have to end: “When somebody actively doesn’t put effort in communicating with me at a regular level and doesn’t reach out for a long time.” Being able to understand the value of setting boundaries is something we either find out early or later in life, but will save time sifting through our relationships.

It is hard letting go of certain people within your life, especially during a pivotal time in one’s life like their early 20s. Truly being able to acknowledge that not every person is deserving of your time is a crucial element in letting go.