written by Siena Dorman
Constantly visiting friends and family has, for the length of our lifetimes, been the way we maintain community. There’s no question that we are inherently social beings. With the pandemic we’ve faced isolation in an involuntary and dramatic fashion that has exposed certain needs we never paid much attention to. But, we’re also resilient and there are still ways to maintain true connections in our lives.
Many of us have experienced the awkward situation of a good friend asking to see you, but because of COVID-19, we’ve had to say no. The problems that arise from rejecting the offer to see a friend may vary from a friend not understanding, wondering, “but you see other people,” to them being completely understanding, yet you feel like a neglectful friend. What we fail to understand in these conflicts is that who we see, whether only our roommates or a selection of specific additional people, is all a part of our own risk calculations. When you find yourself in an uncomfortable situation, just remind your friend that you value them, but that there are certain safety obligations you’re practicing to keep you and those around you safe. It’s hard for some people not to take things personally, but by making your boundaries clear, new paths to maintain a healthy relationship are revealed.
So, how can we maintain relationships even when we can’t see our friends and loved ones? First, remember who is important to you. Prior to the pandemic we could see people casually so we probably had some relationships that were both healthy and harmful. Now we have the opportunity to foster genuine relationships. Those you reach out to and those who reach out to you will tell you a lot about who you should be spending your energy on. One year in quarantine may not mean you’ve covered all your meaningful and valuable relationships yet–and that’s okay! This may feel funny, but writing out who you’ve been fortunate to stay in touch with and who you still want to reach out to is immensely helpful for using your time socializing with purpose. It’s easy to forget about the relationships you value with all of the other struggles we’re still navigating.
Consider who you can help by offering your ears. Who needs to hear, “Hi, how are you doing? I miss and care about you.” When we feel down during a pandemic it often seems like there are few ways to rise above it. Offering help is a great way to get out of your own head. We are more than our thoughts, we are also humans capable of being there for others. Ask some friends if they want to Facetime, then listen without judgement. Everyone needs someone they can openly share their struggles with.
Do you have a book suggestion? Something you saw lately that reminded you of someone? It may be intimidating or shameful to reach out to someone you feel you have “neglected” but don’t get hung up in that emotion. Relationships go both ways. Anyone who cares about you and the relationship you have with them will be happy to see your name pop up on their phone… or in their mailbox.
Write a letter. Letters capture emotion and feel intentional, thoughtful and personal. Even if your friend lives in the same city as you! It’s rewarding to send and receive mail. Just a few weeks ago I received a cookbook and card from a friend I hadn’t talked to once during the pandemic. I felt incredibly uplifted by their generosity and spontaneity. I was reminded that our care for others does not have to be shown constantly in order for it to exist authentically. In a card you write to someone, also let them know what you’re up to. Relationships are not simply about giving yourself to others–remember you have something to gain from communication as well. Reciprocity is fundamental to a healthy relationship. Sacrifices are necessary in relationships but you should never feel like your care is being taken for granted. Give what you know someone would be happy to give back to you.
Take your extra alone time to remember who has helped you. If you aren’t ready to extend your hand in generosity, extend your heart in gratitude. The people that make you feel like you belong and feel like you’re loved deserve to be recognized. Sharing your gratitude for others will encourage the healthy future of your relationships and strengthen it’s foundation, even when you can’t see someone in person.
There is plenty of opportunity to nurture existing relationships and to recover old ones. Everyone has fallen out of communication with some people during the pandemic–this is not a big deal. Something as small as a phone call, writing a letter, sharing old photos, or a simple text is adequate. If you want to create the momentum for further communication and community with the people you care about, try organizing a book or cooking club, share playlists, try learning new skills with them. Find anything that can strengthen your bonds through shared experiences–something we all need a bit more of.
