Members of the community rise to be recognized in their help for their contributions to the City Council. Eugene City Council meeting, Hult Center, Eugene Oregon, Jan. 13 2025 (Eddie Bruning/Emerald)

A March 31 meeting of the Eugene City Council erupted into a food fight yesterday after a public comment speaker hurled a bologna sandwich.

The hoopla began after the council opened the floor to public comment regarding the city’s sidewalk infrastructure. Evan Crossham, a Eugene resident, approached the podium and began to retell his experience tripping on poorly paved sidewalks. Crossham, having worked himself into a frenzy, then chucked a tomato and bologna sandwich toward the councilors at the dais.

“It was the most incredible thing,” witness and Eugene resident Edith Tabernacle said after the meeting. “After working himself into quite the rage, he reached into his backpack and chucked his lunch at the councilors.”

The councilors reacted quickly and moved to duck under the cover of the dais. However, in an incredible moment, Councilor Alan Zelenka stood and slapped the sandwich mid-air in an apparent attempt to deflect the lunch meat attack.

But the sandwich, slapped from its initial course, landed on Councilor Mike Clark. Clark, after a moment of hesitation, looked up at Zelenka and in frustration tossed the contents of his Coca-Cola can on Zelenka’s suit.

“My emotions got the best of me,” Clark said after the event. “I know Alan didn’t mean it, but it was a brand new tie.”

Simultaneously, Councilor Matt Keating hurled a partially-eaten spare rib, which he apparently had been hiding underneath the dais just out of sight, at Crossham, striking him in the shoulder.

Then, in a moment that surprised everyone, the Raging Grannies, a local activist group composed of “little old ladies in silly extravagant hats” (as according to their website), stood in unison and shouted “FOOD FIGHT.”

The grannies began throwing crackers, salami, peach slices and whatever else they had brought as snacks both at the councilors and other community members in the audience.

What followed was absolute pandemonium, as the audience began hurling their own lunch items and beverages across the room and at each other.

William Mack, a community member in attendance that day, said he was confused by the events.

“I came to listen to my elected officials,” Mack said. “And then the next thing I knew a grandma hurled apple sauce in my face. Quite frankly I don’t know what the hell happened. But I wasn’t about to be pushed around so I chucked my pretzels at her.”

The proceedings were eventually brought under control after Eugene Police Department officers rushed into the chamber and began detaining participants. Though, the first several officers to enter the chamber were greeted with half-eaten food striking their persons.

The meeting was cut-short and the councilors safely vacated the chambers via the back door.

“It was regrettable that things unfolded how they did,” Eugene Mayor Kaarin Knudson said in a statement after the meeting. “But we are grateful to EPD for bringing everything under control, and we encourage citizens to express their frustration without wasting perfectly good food.

*Disclaimer: All quotes and facts in this article are completely satirical and fake, in light of April Fools Day.*